This morning, I impulsively decided to start a blog. Well, actually, this morning I impulsively decided to start a Paleo diet in a desperate attempt to lose 13 pounds in less than a month to avoid losing a $1300 bet. The internet told me I needed to start a blog to successfully get through my first month of Paleo. So here we are. Because the thought of losing $1300 = ouch.
Like most millennial Americans, the first thing I did when my eyes slowly creaked open this morning was grope around in the dark for my phone so I could click through all my social media apps to clear those ever addictive notification flags and… largely to waste the first 15 minutes of my day consuming mental popcorn. The first image my sleep-drunk brain took in was a friend’s hairy beer gut in his dirty bathroom mirror. And by friend I mean someone I briefly chatted with on Grindr months ago and added on Instagram to assess as a potential hookup (major no-go). The caption read, “Since I started Paleo last Wednesday, I’ve lost 13 pounds! And I feel so much better!” Hairy beer gut be damned, this Insta post intrigued me; coincidentally, I have 13 pounds to lose by mid December to avoid losing a foolish $1300 bet I placed in July on a weight loss app that uses your own money to shame you into exercising and eating right. I started at 204 and I’m at 197 now. I’m supposed to make it to 184. Not exactly stellar progress with 5 of my 6 months gone. Even with $1300 on the line, I’m apparently too lazy to get in the gym regularly and eat anything resembling a healthy diet.
But anyways, I couldn’t get hairy-beer-gut guy off my mind (not like that, you perv) and obsessively searched Paleo diets all morning at work (instead of working) to see if going Paleo might be the answer to hold onto my $1300. If you aren’t familiar with Paleo, check out this ridiculously informative site. After a lot of my own reading, I completely impulsively decided to give it a shot. I went to the grocery store on my lunch break and bought 7 lbs of chicken, 10 lbs of sweet potatoes, 2 lbs of zucchini, a 3 lb bag of clementines, a lb of deli turkey lunch meat (not sure how Paleo that is), and eggs to kick this thing off. My usual cashier at Kroger probably thinks I’ve gone unhinged.
Say a prayer for me because Lord knows I’m completely addicted to gummy worms, Starbucks, Cheetos, and Chick-fil-a. None of which are Paleo friendly. I’ve decided to cold turkey off fast food, grains, and processed snacks, but I think I’m going to keep gummy worms and my weekly Starbucks fix in my routine until the base diet starts getting easier… for the sake of my ever-tenuous sanity.
Lunch was a sweet potato, a handful of baby carrots, a few slices of deli turkey, and a couple of clementines. I was limited to what I could cut with a butter knife and cook in the microwave.
Yes, it was sad. Yes, I am hangry now. Yes, I am staring hangrily at the bowl of Reese’s cups on the receptionist’s desk. No, I can’t stop thinking about food. Yes, I’m going to be printing dozens of Paleo recipes over the next 24 hours to avoid a repeat of today’s lunch.
So thank you for the inspiration, hairy-beer-gut guy! I’ll probably start despising you at some point in the next 24 hours when I hit full blown sugar detox.